.

I had a doctor's appointment today. It was actually a physical, but I took the chance and asked him about my bouncy moods. He decided it was time for medicine.

I never thought I'd be the one to take anything for my moods, but I guess I am. It won't work for 3-4 days, he said, so I guess I'll know how I feel then.

Until then, waiting is what I will do.

trying...

I'm trying to deal with the world now. Before, all I wanted to do was to curl up and retreat. Unfortunately for me, though, I am now being pulled in a couple different directions. I am fearful that this will be a me-in-the-middle situation. Hope not, though. Not sure if I can deal with that, too. It's bad enough that I am even going through what I am going through.

-sigh-

Life still sucks.

Maybe... not sure yet.

.

I felt a little more able to deal today. Not sure why, because I spent most of it still being pissed off.

Believe it or not, a cousin actually called. Maybe one cares after all. I'd love to be proven wrong on that point. Plus, she told me a lot of things that helped me, things that I needed to hear, and things that I was thinking but afraid to feel or say.

My house has taken the brunt of my frustration, as I am an anger-cleaner.

I'm still not ready for much more right now.

I can't be your spring; I am your winter... at least for now.

.

Here's hoping for a quiet day today. Wish me luck.

it's not paranoid if they really do what you think they will.

...and pry, they did. Co-workers, I mean. I knew it would happen. Especially the main one I was trying to avoid. Except it was really all about her... as always. All she really cared about was if I was mad at her.

I think I am slowly moving from upset/sad/morose to just plain angry. I don't know how that process works, but I knew something was up when I keep trying to talk myself out of buying a half gallon of vodka and knocking it back. However, I refuse to be like a relative of mine and do just that. It's a hard thing to do, though... NOT doing just that.

Oh yeah, and I found out what I always suspected... that my cousins don't give a crap about me. Two of them call my brother on Wednesday, but they don't even bother to send me a solitary text message. Figures. I knew it anyway; I just tried to hold onto a little bit of hope that they actually cared. Never mind. Now I know.

.

Still not ok, but I'm going to work today. I have to get back there eventually. Maybe I can keep my mind off everything there. Probably not, though, since everyone there seems to pry into my life more than any psychiatrist I've ever seen on TV. Oh yeah, and then you find out that someone you've told in confidence did the same with ten other people, and by the time it comes back to you, it's in the form of "oh, I didn't know that was a secret."

My goal is to just do my job and fake being happy with my life right now. Not sure how that's going to work out. Not sure how I'm going to accomplish anything, really.

I am a different person than I was two days ago.

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I don't know how my life has led to this...

.

I found out some very confusing/sad news today. No, you don't get to know this. Family stuff. I don't know how I'm going to get through it. No one died, but it sure feels like it.

A Homeowner's Symphony

I'm back. I missed my little blog. SORRY, for you 10 or so who read my posts. Needless to say, I have had NO time for blogging or any other web activity. Getting the house, re-training an unruly alpha-wannabe cat, making home improvements, working my normal job, worrying about not getting pregnant and being a part-time musician hasn’t necessarily taken its toll, but all that does wear me/us out. Hub is stressing over the same things.

To be honest, I am not very stressed about anything except for the pregnancy part (more on that later), which obviously doesn't help. Funny how that happens. Good thing is that a friend of mine who was in the same boat is now pregnant - yay for them! That gives me hope that we will, too.

Our property seems to be gaining its fair share of black widow spiders. What's up with that? Poor hub nearly missed getting bitten aka kilt by one on Sunday. It's not enough that our youngest cat bit him last week or that he has constant kidney stones and an ulcer... nooo. Psycho spiders decide to come after us just for pruning back shrubs! I had the dang willies all day, and I've been pricing quarterly pest control.

Sigh... so much stuff to keep up with when you're homeowners. Landlords do more than you realize.

I think I may have mentioned breaking my foot earlier in the year. So tonight, I have REALLY hurt it again. It might require another trip to the podiatrist. As if I want to spend more money. I know how to tape it up properly, so I may just do that. MUCH cheaper than an out-of-network $60.00 co-pay.

I started a new book series... The Immortals by Alyson Noel (first book is Evermore, 2nd Blue Moon, not sure of the others yet). Yeah, yeah - it's vampires again. So? Friends of mine have read up to four series. I am only on my 3rd, thank you very much. Plus, The Vampire Chronicles don't count since I barely remember anything about them.

Later... big puppy needs to go out.

R.I.P.

Rest in peace, Patrick Swayze. You were a hell of an actor.

Morning

Releasing my brain clutter actually helped out a lot.

Anyway, it's my youngest kitty, Lucy's, 4th birthday today and I am not letting anything else get in. I am going to my cousin's soon-to-be-stepdaughter's birthday party as well, so screw anything that sucks today.

So there.

Brain Clutter

It seems like every time I am writing here lately, it's to say 'wow, have I been gone long' and 'I have been busy.' Well, yeah, I have been gone long, but I'll spare you the minute detail of why.

I hope it suffices for me to say that I have done and been through a lot recently; foremost, the death of yet another relative. My uncle died on December 30th... the 2nd death in 16 months for me and my family. It has been 3 months since then, and I still can't get through a day without thinking about it. I live in irrational fear, wondering who is next and how much longer I have.

Things have been hard, and I don't cope well lately. Not a single person I know would think this is happening. I put on a huge front for everyone, and though I am sure that it's solid on the surface, my barrier is sliding away underneath. Only the flies on the walls really know.

No wonder the stupid health fair stress test I took said I have a 96% high-stress level. I don't know if I believe that thing anyway. 'go to my happy place'? Is that really what I was supposed to do to test my stress level?

I had a big work scare in December. I have only in the last month felt comfortable there again. I'm working my ass off so that nothing else can go wrong.

There are a few other things, but I no longer feel comfortable discussing personal things here, as people who know me face-to-face read this... or did. The point of having this was to get my feelings out, so I don't know which direction I want to go with this site right now. Maybe I'll feel comfortable enough to talk about stuff later, but there are things I tell no one, not even my husband. Why would I tell someone else first?

I want to be completely happy. Who is, really? But that's what I want. I want to enjoy being with my husband, plant flowers, enjoy my life, have children. I want all that right this very second, but I know life doesn't work that way. Some of it I might never get. What I hope is that if that is indeed the case, will I eventually be satisfied with what I do have?

My handiness

Plinky asked me today what my best built item was.

I guess the best thing I ever built was our dinner table. Well, I didn't really build it, more like put piece A with piece B. It was a surprise for hub since we'd been without a table in our old apartment for so long.

2nd in line was my pink and lavender derby car that I built when my brother was in Boy Scouts. The council allowed me to race at the end against whoever I wanted. I think it's up in my parents' attic somewhere.

Hamster