This Monday in the KiKi-World

Good afternoon.

Well, I did go Grandma-sit. She and I had a pretty good night. We watched most of Wyatt Earp, which I'd never given a chance since I'm a die-hard Tombstone fan. Funny though, Wyatt Earp is the more accurate movie. Of course I pick the one starring Val Kilmer. =) Dennis Quaid held his own, though, in the world of Doc Holliday portrayers. That's always my favorite character, no matter which version I watch. Anyway, I locked Grandma in and went home to get ready for work VERY early this morning. She was up, too. Nothing gets past her, LOL.

I brought my lunch to work today. I ought to do it more often. I would put some $$ back in my pocket, that's for sure. We need every penny lately. We're trying to pay off all the piddly things that eat up our paychecks. I'm half done with paying off my NordicTrack, and next is our high-interest computer account, Dell. 29% APR is no joke. I feel like it'd be better to just have to come over and bring their baseball bats. I think it would have been a better interest rate if it'd been in my name, but I proclaimed that I was overextended at the time, since most everything is in my name. Besides, it's good to have something in hubby's name since he's trying to rebuild his own credit. We also have to pay off our furniture, which is a little over $3,200.00 now. I've been putting a little here and there toward it, but nothing huge until I pay off the other two.

We didn't get to go to our nephew's baptism yesterday. I felt so bad about it, but hubby was sick, and still is. He woke me up and told me he felt bad. I checked his head and it felt like he had a slight fever, but I could tell he was freezing. Needless to say, we didn't want to have him spread his potential germs all over North Carolina and his own nephew. We felt so bad about it, though. Mother-in-law told me this morning that Jacob asked about us, and had written a birthday card for Josh. So I have family guilt today.

(My goofy brother trying to wear my niece's hat)

I also have hubby guilt, but that takes explanation.

I had a plan of taking him out to dinner on Saturday for his birthday. On our way out of the apartment parking lot, there was a note on his old car (the crappy one without a tag) stating something like 'have it outta here in 24 hours or face it being towed at your expense.' We called his best friend to see if hje knew anyone who could deal with it on a weekend. I was finally able to get our landlord when they open on Sunday at noon and beg for an extension. However, he got so upset about the whole thing that he said turn the car around and go home; he wasn't hungry anymore. What he really meant to say, I found out later on, was more like 'let's deal with this first and then we'll go back out.' It didn't come out like that, so I got pissed, yanked the car around (literally), and drove home. Shame on me. Shame on him, too. We both overreacted and blew our tops. That's embarrassing to say, but we did. We got home and our attitudes didn't get any better. Then I got upset and started cleaning (as many of us females like to do when we're ill). Many details aside, we got into fighting about other things (cleaning, responsibilities, etc.), and we both ruined the night.

We eventually made up, chalking it up to stress and frustration. I paid for takeout from the place we were going to go to, he picked it up, and we ate at home. I have decided that I want to have a make-up date where I do everything. I feel bad that his birthday night went badly. He's trying to take all the responsibility, but we are both to blame.

We are having a birthday dinner night at his mom's on Saturday or Sunday. That's at least one good thing in the future. So many bad things have happened in the last few months that we need a break. I can't wait for vacation in November. I know some people go through worse, but when things were good for so long, it's hard to take in bad things when they all hit you at once (Crissa, PaPa, finances, etc).

Jung Test

ESTJ - "Administrator". Much in touch with the external environment. Very responsible. Pillar of strength. 8.7% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

Better Today

I'm not much better today, but at least I feel like writing.

I've changed my blog's name again. More than likely for good. My brother called me KiKi when he was first learning to talk (he couldn't pronounce Carri), and his middle daughter calls me Aunt KiKi now. It only seems appropriate.

Hubby's 29th birthday was today. I got him dinner and Macy & Lucy got him the complete works of Edgar Allan Poe. I think they did better than me. They've outdone me twice now. I think I need to plot against them.

I've been on Neopets for half the day trying to gain neopoints and earn avatars. That is how bored I was. I got sick of doing chores. However, the apartment is almost quite nice.

I probably am going to "grandma-sit" tomorrow night. We've been staying with her since before PaPa died, and we are continuing to do so until she kicks us all out. Josh is off and on a third shift week, so he'll be up and might come along.

My team at work (which just happens to be the only all female team) got together and not only had a peace lily sent to PaPa's funeral, but when I came back to work last Monday, later on I got a beautiful bouquet of yellow flowers. I pressed about ten of them, some of which will go into my scrapbook with a couple of really good pictures of PaPa.

That's all for now. I'm sleepy and we are getting up early to drive to North Carolina for our nephew's baptism. Night all.

PaPa

I've been sitting here looking at this blog for a few days, trying to decide if I want to post. I guess now I do.

I'm not okay by any stretch of my imagination. One of my favorite people in the world, my Pa-Pa, is gone. For the rest of my life, I'll never see him again. That hurts so much more than I can describe. Some people understand, and some, thank goodness, don't have to understand because they haven't lived it. I hope they don't for a long time.

(Mom-Mom and PaPa)

Another thing that has come to mind is this: I don't have anymore Pa-Pas. I lost my other grandpa (who was also a Pa-Pa) back in 2003. So there aren't anymore grandfathers for me. That thought makes me sadder than I have ever been. When Pa-Pa died last week, it hit me so hard. I have never felt so hopeless in all of my life.

(me and Pa-Pa)

I gave him one final doggie beanie baby about a week before he died. A dog that goes with the ones I had been steadily providing him for years, stuffed bean dogs of every sort. You can see some of them in the background of the last picture. It's a little black dog called Chaser. It stayed in his hospital room until the night we all came when the doctors called us. That was the first thing I picked up. I have in right in front of me. I look at it and that whole night comes back.

(me and Pa-Pa again. This picture was an accident, but I couldn't delete it even if I'd wanted to)

I am angry. He should be here. It was NOT his time yet. Yeah, he was 83, but it was a shock, unexpected. He was in the hospital because he'd been in a car accident on July 30th, my niece's birthday. He pulled out into a street from his road on a stormy day (his fault for "not yielding the right of way," supposedly). A 16 year old girl was speeding (I don't need damned skid marks to tell me that) and hit him directly in his side. All that was between him and that van was 4 inches of hollow metal. She hit him so hard that his car was bent on the side that was not hit, shattered all the windows, and knocked his glasses off his face and into the street.

He was hurt so badly. He suffered a broken scapula, cuts on his head that required staples, bleeding on his brain, massive internal & external bruising, a bleeding kidney and a bleeding spleen.

So much of that was healing though, and there was talk of moving him to a local rehabilitation hospital. That's why it is so hard to accept. He was getting better, and all of a sudden, he's gone. Just over two weeks to the day of his accident, we were called and told to come to the hospital, that they were trying to revive him, and we needed to get there immediately. Everyone knew what it meant but no one, including me, wanted to believe it.

I and my cousin had been sleeping over with Grandma for the entire time he was in the hospital, and I just happened to be there that night. Mom called me at 12:45AM and told me to get Grandma up because they were coming to get us. I knew that Mom had said they were trying to revive him, but I couldn't bring myself to say that to Grandma. I just told her to get ready and that I didn't know much. I prayed the whole way over.

I got there and walked into the hospital wing with my Dad. Or, I thought I did. Somewhere between getting out of the elevator and the waiting room, Dad stopped being beside me. Maybe he went over to Mom? All I know is that I was standing there for the ten seconds that felt like ten hours watching everyone cry, hoping they were just stressed and letting it out in a huge way. My aunt stopped what she was doing (hugging someone or just sitting there, I don't remember) when she noticed me standing there by myself. She got up and walked over to me like she was going to hug me. I remember saying 'no, don't you tell me that,' or something, her grabbing hold of me, and I never made it to the chair where she was guiding me. My legs failed to work and I was on the floor almost near screaming. I couldn't get up; I didn't deserve to get up, not when PaPa would never get up again. I remember grabbing hold of a coffee table with one hand, and my fingertips turning white on the other hand when I tried to strangle the floor. I couldn't breathe.

Somehow Dad ended up behind me. He put his hand on my back while I was on the floor. I knew it was him. He always had a gentle touch. I turned around and cried in his arms. He helped me up off the floor. Eventually, the on-call hospital chaplain was with us and trying to explain what happened before the doctors came out. I couldn't listen. I got up and walked to the elevator foyer. A short time after walking over there, Josh showed up with the best timing in the world. I had called him right after Mom called me and told him to meet us there. I cried in his arms for what seemed like forever.

We came back after some time and sat with everyone else. The doctors finally came out, and by now, my brother had come. He was by himself, and eventually I went over to him. The doctors explained that Pa-Pa had said he felt like he was being smothered during a late-night breathing treatment and he became non-responsive and then "coded." They worked on him for two hours. Two hours. I knew what it meant. It still didn't hit me. Not all the way. I'm not sure if it has yet.

We were eventually let in to see him. Grandma was so pitiful. She cried like I'd never seen someone cry before. So did my Mom, my uncle and my aunt (Pa-Pa's children). We all did, but we knew the four of them were even more affected. My uncle took it so hard. My mom passed out numerous times. The only other time I ever saw her pass out was over 15 years ago when she was having anemia problems. The only way anyone got her to stay alert after the last time was me, my brother, and my Dad's voices telling her that Grandma needed her.

I knelt down and took hold of his hand at some point and stroked his fingers. His hand was still warm. God, I swear that I felt it contract for just a second. That's just wrong to say, but that's what I wanted it to feel like. I cried for a long time. Josh never left my side. When I let go, someone else did the same. More people had shown up by then. My sister-in-law, almost the entire family. I had hold of the doggie and his pillow Grandma had brought from home for him. It still smelled like him. When I went over and grabbed his hand again, it was getting colder. That's when I really knew.

I can't write anymore tonight. Maybe some other time.

thinking

I thought I owed this page another entry. I am not abandoning my blog, as it might have looked like based on my last entry. I just need some time to reflect on everything I and my family have gone through over the past week. As I wrote in a comment below, I can't talk here about everything that has happened yet. I just cannot bear to talk about my PaPa in the past tense for very long without lasting emotional consequences.

I have been out of work since Tuesday. My boss told me she didn't want to see me back at work until I was ready. I work for a really great company; I couldn't ask for better. Some people up there do not know what they have in front of them.

I think I'll sign off for now. I just wanted the people who read this to know that I am not going anywhere; I just need some personal time.

Thanks, everyone.

today

My PaPa (grandpa) has died. I don't know what else to write.

Chinese Toy Recall

BEIJING — The head of a Chinese manufacturer whose lead-tainted Sesame Street toys were the center of a massive U.S. recall has killed himself, a state-run newspaper said Monday.

Cheung Shu-hung, who co-owned Lee Der Industrial Co., committed suicide at a warehouse over the weekend, apparently by hanging himself, the Southern Metropolis Daily reported.

Read more at FoxNews.

This makes me so very sad.

Sir, the world didn't want you to pay for this mistake with your life. No one intentionally does things like buy from someone who uses lead in their paints. Things like that are accidents, and it wasn't your fault.

One of my parents' friends did the same thing once. He was at fault for something and felt that he had no other way out. He then killed himself, leaving his wife and many others wondering why he couldn't have come to them and just told them he was drowning. It's just a shame there are no more chances for either one of them.

On Monday...

To do today:

• Be out of work b/c I'm sick and SO not up to it. DONE!!
• Catch up on laundry (5 loads b/c our dryer was out last week). DONE!!
• Do the dishes. DONE!!
• Dust living room. (update: this may not get done, as the rest has taken a lot more time)
• Catch up on Charmed episodes I've DVRed. DONE!!

Oh yeah, I finished Harry Potter 7 the week before last. I LOVED it, and now I'm looking for other people's opinions of it now that nothing can be spoiled for me.