It seems like every time I am writing here lately, it's to say 'wow, have I been gone long' and 'I have been busy.' Well, yeah, I have been gone long, but I'll spare you the minute detail of why.
I hope it suffices for me to say that I have done and been through a lot recently; foremost, the death of yet another relative. My uncle died on December 30th... the 2nd death in 16 months for me and my family. It has been 3 months since then, and I still can't get through a day without thinking about it. I live in irrational fear, wondering who is next and how much longer I have.
Things have been hard, and I don't cope well lately. Not a single person I know would think this is happening. I put on a huge front for everyone, and though I am sure that it's solid on the surface, my barrier is sliding away underneath. Only the flies on the walls really know.
No wonder the stupid health fair stress test I took said I have a 96% high-stress level. I don't know if I believe that thing anyway. 'go to my happy place'? Is that really what I was supposed to do to test my stress level?
I had a big work scare in December. I have only in the last month felt comfortable there again. I'm working my ass off so that nothing else can go wrong.
There are a few other things, but I no longer feel comfortable discussing personal things here, as people who know me face-to-face read this... or did. The point of having this was to get my feelings out, so I don't know which direction I want to go with this site right now. Maybe I'll feel comfortable enough to talk about stuff later, but there are things I tell no one, not even my husband. Why would I tell someone else first?
I want to be completely happy. Who is, really? But that's what I want. I want to enjoy being with my husband, plant flowers, enjoy my life, have children. I want all that right this very second, but I know life doesn't work that way. Some of it I might never get. What I hope is that if that is indeed the case, will I eventually be satisfied with what I do have?
